An in-between Chapter

Saturday 5 July

My first post on my new website.

This year has been a closing of one life chapter and the beginning of a new one. I’ll call this an in-between chapter. That is what it feels like. Maybe you can relate to feeling like this too when you’re going through a big life transition that takes time to settle into?

But I do feel ready to come back online and to be writing again.

I deactivated Instagram in January.
I’ve permanently deleted Facebook.
Let go of Substack (a writers platform).

I’ve reactivated Instagram, and intend to begin writing again - sharing those posts here.

The noise was just too loud.

I haven’t felt inspired to write.

I haven’t felt free to write.

It’s hard to show up when you’re feeling sad. 

When your life feels like it’s been turned upside down and your present feels hard and heavy and future uncertain.

When your foundation has been rocked.

When you just don’t feel like yourself.

I’ve been grieving - raw, dysregulated, and often overwhelmed and feeling fragile - and being online didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like it was the right thing for my own wellbeing.

Spreading myself across so many spaces doesn’t feel right either. It never really has.

I’m still moving through this personal chapter.
This breakup still echoes with sadness and grief.

I keep thinking it’s been ages now, shouldn’t I be further along this journey than I am.

What I’ve learnt is that untangling a shared life that did bring love and happiness as well as heartache can take time. Emotionally and physically.

Moving from England to Scotland brought its own quiet challenges.

And yet, there have been glimmers - moments of joy, of hope, of looking in the mirror and seeing someone who’s slowly, imperfectly, healing.

It’s brought opportunities and new friendships. 

And I know I’m only just touching the surface of what Scotland has to offer. Which is both comforting and frustrating. There is so much more I could have experienced here this year but haven’t for different reasons.

Will I settle here? I’m still figuring that one out. And realising I don’t need to figure that one out today, tomorrow or the next day. 

There are still days and moments the sadness feels like it could swallow me whole.

Some days I want it to swallow me whole.

So that’s where I’ve been.

That’s where I am:

Somewhere between the sadness and the hope.

Somewhere between the end and the beginning.

Somewhere between who I was and who I’m becoming.

Trying to find my peace and happy again.

This chapter has been anything but linear.

I’m still shedding.
Still letting go.
Still growing.

When we go through hard things, we don’t come out unscathed.

New scars are born.
And we’re never the same. 

This doesn’t need to be a bad thing. 

My shadows have been revealing themselves.
Reminding me I’m human. I’m flawed. Just like everyone else. 

Illuminating the things that I’ve tried to ignore. 

The mistakes I’ve made that have hurt others. That have hurt me.

Areas where I need to do work. 

Patterns I need to stop repeating.

Learning to trust myself again - it’s a work in progress.

And I’m reminded:
Healing isn’t a straight line.
It doesn’t follow a timeline.
But it does ask us to be intentional.

It needs us to do the simple things that often feel hard to do when we’re in a grief portal. When our nervous systems are dysreguylated.

It’s reminded me that sometimes you have to spend energy to gain energy. Even when it feels like you’re running on empty. 

And when we’re going through a shedding and rebirth. 

It takes a quiet, steady devotion, digging deep into our why. 

To keep moving forward.

Trusting we’ll get there. 

Through the collapse, the surrender and the choice to keep rising. 

As many times as it takes. 

We chose this life. 

We chose the duality of light and dark. 

It’s easy to question why we did during the dark times.

It’s easy to forget the answer is always in the light.