White Light
It all begins with an idea.
Sunday 3 August
It wasn’t too long ago that I felt depressed and stuck and absorbed in heavy feelings.
The thing that kept coming to my mind when I thought about how I felt was visualising a black energy within me.
A heavy black energy that felt like it was suffocating my soul. Blocking the light from getting in. I wanted to rip it out of me but I couldn’t seem to shift it.
Our natural state is peace, love, joy and all the airy fairy lovely delicious light feelings that I think we all came here for. But at the same time, we also came here for the other stuff too, the full spectrum, the full human experience. Its just difficult to comprehend that we came here for the pain and grief too, especially when that grief feels so heavy and dark. Feels a bit f*cked up doesn’t it? I mean I don’t think I know one person right now who isn’t going through something really frigging hard, or they don’t know someone who isn’t going through something really frigging hard. A lot of the experiences in this world can feel really unfair and unjust. It’s finding the light in these moments that can be hard, sometimes feels impossible but also can be the way through.
In today’s blog, I’m sharing some things that have helped me start to filter out the black sludge (in no particular order).
Accepting help from family and friends. This is actually top of the list. I am sure lots of you can relate, this is not always an easy one to do when we’re really struggling, often retreating, trying not to be a burden. But this has been huge and I am beyond grateful for all of the love and support I have. People can’t help if they don’t know what is going on - we have to let them in and we don’t have to do it alone.
Painting my toe nails. I was having a coffee at a cafe with my brother, talking about how shit I felt and how stuck I felt and how much of a buzz kill I felt and why I was starting to retreat from everyone. I was wearing my sliders and he noticed my toe nails and said, first thing you could do that would help, is sort your toe nails out. And you know what, it was such good advice. I was so consumed with the black sadness within me, that I’d neglected my toe nails. They were even looking sad and soulless. I’d neglected my self care because I’d lost my love and zest for life. So later that day I went and brought a new bright pink nail vanish and spent some time doing a bit of self-care. Crazy how much of a positive impact this actually has.
Starting a breathwork instructor course and committing to 5 weeks of a personal breathwork journey and attending weekly live sessions with an instructor that I really vibe with. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while and I had found a course months ago but was waiting for the “right” time to start. When things were more settled with my work and other things or when I wasn’t so sad, I guess. Anyway, I realised there wasn’t a perfect time and that I needed this for me, maybe it would even help to shift the sadness and help me feel more grounded. Whether I go on to use breathwork within my offerings or not, for me, for my personal healing, I knew deep inside of me that I needed it. And it’s been a game changer. Which makes me think I do want to bring this into my coaching experiences, but I’ve still got a way to go with completing the course yet so we shall see.
Exploring new walks and getting to the type of nature that breathes life into my soul (open fields, forests, water, sand, sea, all the wildlife (apart from the noisy Scottish crows and ticks galore - that’s a work in progress for me). This has been possible because of Nr 1 - accepting help from friends and family. For the last 5 years I’ve deliberately chosen environments and places to live that have given me the kind of nature I know I need and crave when I don’t have it. What I’ve realised this year more than ever, is that it really is a non-negotiable for me. For me to thrive and feel my most peaceful and grounded, I need access to the kind of nature that breathes life into me, that helps me regulate my nervous system, connect to my soul and come back into balance.
All of the above is helping me land more in the present moment. Make peace with the past, and loosen my grip on my desire to control the future and let go of having to have some grand plan, making peace with the uncertainty of life again. It is helping me to reconnect to my body again and calm my mind. Daily gratitude is a big part of this - it helps me appreciate all of the good in my life right now.
Reconnecting to my purpose - love. An open heart. Connection with nature, with others. I’ve realised for me, heartbreak doesn’t exist. Our hearts don’t break. But through different experiences, they can become blocked. The flow of love becomes restricted. And its our choice if we want to open up those channels again. There are different ways to do this. Different techniques. And there isn’t any fixed timescale to do this. There isn’t one set pathway.
Ditching my bra, at least for the summer (hello freedom although my mum thinks I might live to regret this one in years to come - we shall see) and spending as much time as possible outside when its sunny and blue skies (anyone who needs sunshine and blue and lives in Scotland will understand this one!).
Anyway, I’m still on this journey and I know there will be more ups and downs, none of its linear. I know there is still a way to go but right now, I really do feel more peace, more love, more joy and when I think about how I feel, I now am starting to visualise white light, rather than that black energy within me.
Sending you love and light,
Anna
xxx
An in-between Chapter
It all begins with an idea.
Saturday 5 July
My first post on my new website.
This year has been a closing of one life chapter and the beginning of a new one. I’ll call this an in-between chapter. That is what it feels like. Maybe you can relate to feeling like this too when you’re going through a big life transition that takes time to settle into?
But I do feel ready to come back online and to be writing again.
I deactivated Instagram in January.
I’ve permanently deleted Facebook.
Let go of Substack (a writers platform).
I’ve reactivated Instagram, and intend to begin writing again - sharing those posts here.
The noise was just too loud.
I haven’t felt inspired to write.
I haven’t felt free to write.
It’s hard to show up when you’re feeling sad.
When your life feels like it’s been turned upside down and your present feels hard and heavy and future uncertain.
When your foundation has been rocked.
When you just don’t feel like yourself.
I’ve been grieving - raw, dysregulated, and often overwhelmed and feeling fragile - and being online didn’t feel right.
It didn’t feel like it was the right thing for my own wellbeing.
Spreading myself across so many spaces doesn’t feel right either. It never really has.
I’m still moving through this personal chapter.
This breakup still echoes with sadness and grief.
I keep thinking it’s been ages now, shouldn’t I be further along this journey than I am.
What I’ve learnt is that untangling a shared life that did bring love and happiness as well as heartache can take time. Emotionally and physically.
Moving from England to Scotland brought its own quiet challenges.
And yet, there have been glimmers - moments of joy, of hope, of looking in the mirror and seeing someone who’s slowly, imperfectly, healing.
It’s brought opportunities and new friendships.
And I know I’m only just touching the surface of what Scotland has to offer. Which is both comforting and frustrating. There is so much more I could have experienced here this year but haven’t for different reasons.
Will I settle here? I’m still figuring that one out. And realising I don’t need to figure that one out today, tomorrow or the next day.
There are still days and moments the sadness feels like it could swallow me whole.
Some days I want it to swallow me whole.
So that’s where I’ve been.
That’s where I am:
Somewhere between the sadness and the hope.
Somewhere between the end and the beginning.
Somewhere between who I was and who I’m becoming.
Trying to find my peace and happy again.
This chapter has been anything but linear.
I’m still shedding.
Still letting go.
Still growing.
When we go through hard things, we don’t come out unscathed.
New scars are born.
And we’re never the same.
This doesn’t need to be a bad thing.
My shadows have been revealing themselves.
Reminding me I’m human. I’m flawed. Just like everyone else.
Illuminating the things that I’ve tried to ignore.
The mistakes I’ve made that have hurt others. That have hurt me.
Areas where I need to do work.
Patterns I need to stop repeating.
Learning to trust myself again - it’s a work in progress.
And I’m reminded:
Healing isn’t a straight line.
It doesn’t follow a timeline.
But it does ask us to be intentional.
It needs us to do the simple things that often feel hard to do when we’re in a grief portal. When our nervous systems are dysreguylated.
It’s reminded me that sometimes you have to spend energy to gain energy. Even when it feels like you’re running on empty.
And when we’re going through a shedding and rebirth.
It takes a quiet, steady devotion, digging deep into our why.
To keep moving forward.
Trusting we’ll get there.
Through the collapse, the surrender and the choice to keep rising.
As many times as it takes.
We chose this life.
We chose the duality of light and dark.
It’s easy to question why we did during the dark times.
It’s easy to forget the answer is always in the light.
